triple negative

Five Years

It is the golden benchmark in a cancer journey when your odds for recurrence decrease significantly. My five year mark is Tuesday, May 21, 2024. To be honest, I didn’t think I would be here five years later. When you are diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer you are always trying to prepare yourself for “the comeback”.

The first year I just tried to survive. The treatments, surgery and radiation were a blur. My faith was tested and strengthened significantly.

The second year I spent worrying. I found myself constantly organizing and trying to prepare my home and those around me to operate smoothly without me. I started a blog about my journey which was therapeutic. I began organizing my recipes and trying to write down the ones in my head so Logan would have them. I was on a mission that kept me busy and occupied.

The third year I spent trying to find my new normal and dealing with the lasting effects of chemo- neuropathy, lymphedema and short-term memory loss. It was at the three-year mark I realized I just might make it. I started doing more of the things I loved to do- write, cook, entertain & garden. I started making time for myself.

The fourth year I was on a quest to get healthy. To focus on what I was eating and the quality of ingredients- grass fed beef, free range chicken, locally grown produce. I began canning my own food just like my Memaw Young taught me. I built raised beds, began making tinctures from my herbs, and drying my herbs. I sought out alternative treatments for neuropathy which led me to acupuncture and meditation and eventually to 5 months of sobriety.

My sobriety…I have always loved wine. I have written blogs about wine, I have traveled and drank wine in all the best places, I love how it looks, how it smells, how it makes me forget my worries and numbs me in all the right places. And those last two thoughts are the issue. I don’t want to be numb anymore. I don’t want to forget. My sobriety is centered around two thoughts, first- your body only has so much healing power and if it is constantly healing from the alcohol, then you are depriving yourself from your healing potential. Second, I have a desire to live in the moment, to experience all the great things from life I possibly can, and I want to remember and relish the memories. I don’t want to forget about my cancer journey. I am a true believer that negative history not remembered will be repeated. So, I choose to honor and remember my cancer journey accordingly.

As a side note to my sobriety- Friday night I decided to have 1 glass of wine and broke my 5 month streak. It didn’t taste nearly as good as I remembered, I was up til 3am because I couldn’t sleep, I had terrible heartburn, I have had a two day headache and my joints are very achy and my lymphedema is flaring up. Needless to say, that glass was not worth it. However, I don’t want my friends to worry-even sober, I will still be the loud friend with the most inappropriate comments spewing out of my mouth. My lack of wine will not change my ability to say exactly what I think.

So today is five years. I am definitely not the person I was before my cancer journey began. Cancer changes you. Yes, of course there are lots of negatives. But there are some really good positives. I have met some wonderful people. Women that reached out providing answers and comfort for me when I was in need. And women I have reached out to when they needed some reassurance and someone to listen. The pink sisterhood is a real, wonderful blessing.

Two weeks ago, I had my five year check up with Dr. Tran at Tennessee Oncology. I cannot even begin to calculate how many appointments and hours I have been spent in their office. It takes special people to work in oncology and I admire and respect them all. My next appointment is in one year- and only those that have walked this walk know the absolute joy I felt in achieving that milestone.

Please remember to schedule your mammogram and remind those you love to schedule one, too. I skipped two mammograms and if I had skipped one more year, I would not be here today. I would not have made it another year. There are many different types of breast cancer, some more aggressive than others. Great strides are being made every day in research and development of new drugs. The key is early detection. For those of you that do not have health insurance or cannot afford screening, there are low cost and no cost mammograms available. In our area, the MaryEllen Locher Breast Center has a mobile mammogram unit that services several counties in East Tennessee.

Today, I find joy in the simple things. I have found peace in my garden among the vegetables and flowers. My family is the most important thing in my life, they are a wonderful bunch of craziness, my biggest cheerleaders, and they bring me the most joy. I’m not a professional cook or gardener. I am not a homesteader. I am a southern city girl who was raised in the country in a simpler time.

I have learned every day is a gift, a gift that should not be taken lightly or taken for granted. I have learned kindness and grace are important attributes in living a full life. I have learned that how you make others feel is how you will be remembered.

Right before my diagnosis, Jay and I were talking about going to Italy and obviously, we had to put that on hold. So, in a few weeks, we will depart on a 5 Year Cancerversary celebratory trip to Italy and Greece for 14 days. We have been planning for this trip for the last two years. We booked it on my 3 Year Cancerversary date.

I have no idea what the next five years will look like. But for now, I will celebrate the days I have been given to the best of my ability and you should, too.

#keepingthefaith #gozastrong #getyourmammogram

Christy Young Goza

An Open Mind…for Healing

When was the last time you did something for the first time? When was the last time you really tested and stretched your comfort zone? The answer for me is very recently- two weeks ago.

I have been struggling with health issues related to chemo. In 2019, I was diagnosed with Stage 3b Triple Negative Breast Cancer. From there I opted for a double mastectomy followed by chemo and radiation. I am now 4+ years NED (no evidence of disease) and needless to say, I am very glad to be here and thankful and grateful for the life I have.

I, like many others, having lingering effects of chemo that will never reconcile, the most frustrating being short term memory loss, neuropathy and lymphedema. For the lymphedema, mine is mild and can be addressed with lymphatic massage at the moment. I am lucky in that respect and I know it. The neuropathy is the thorn in my side. I haven’t been able to feel below the knee in quite some time. Sometimes I fall and it is scary. I am constantly worried that in 5-10 years, I won’t even be able to walk without assistance. It started with my toes and continues to get worse with each year. And this year…the pain came. I have tried to endure it, but it is so hard. For the last few months, I have resorted to one pill a night for pain just so I can sleep.

I love my primary care physician, Dr. Sheikh, and he has talked to me about what to expect with the neuropathy and the next course as things worsen will be taking gabapentin. I know the gabapentin will only mask the pain and I would really like to heal, not just treat the symptoms. So I began some research and started on a journey of educating myself about possible ways to heal the neuropathy and that led me to acupuncture. With my medical history, I always consult my doctor first. And when I asked my doctor about it, he encouraged me to explore it and seemed excited I was open to the idea. He asked me to report back on my progress.

I will be the first to admit, I do not know much about eastern medicine. I also had a frightening childhood experience with needles at Dr. Appling’s office. As most children are, I was terrified of needles. On this particular day he sent the nurse in to draw blood. I made a fist, curled up in a tight ball and screamed and the nurse held me down and cut my big toe open to get the blood. Those nurses in the 70’s didn’t mess around. It’s funny now…not funny then.

The thought of something like acupuncture helping me really got me excited. I talked to my friend Michelle about it, she is a nurse practitioner, and she encouraged me by sharing a success story she knew about first hand. The bottom line was I didn’t have anything to lose.

The next step was finding someone. There are many letters after peoples names, and I did not have a clue what any of them meant. One night when I couldn’t sleep, I was googling acupuncturists and reading reviews and came across Yin Yang House in Chattanooga.

I was familiar with the business as they are one of the few places that offer lymphatic massage and I have used their services and were very pleased. Everyone there was always very professional and kind and it was very clean (I am a little OCD about cleanliness). I noticed they had added to their staff line-up and that is where I first read about Xiao Rice. She has many letters after her name and I still don’t know what they all mean, but in her biography on the website it mentioned she specializes in acupuncture for pain management and oncology supportive care and that got my attention. It also mentioned she grew up in China and was the daughter of an acupuncturist. And well, I just thought that was really cool. So right there, in the middle of the night, I made my first appointment online.

She was very upfront with me, we were going to try to wake up the nerves in my feet and legs. Sometimes the nerves react and sometimes they do not. She recommended we start with six treatments to see how I responded.

In hindsight, I have to tell you, I expected the needles to be in my feet and legs, so I was caught off guard when she began with my ear and head. After several needles were applied in and around my ear something very strange happened…I began to feel a tingle in the toes on my right foot. The right foot that I have not felt in 4 years. I was stunned and I am not easily stunned. She continued on…there were lots of needles, but they were so small, I could only feel a slight twitch occasionally- no pain.

After all the needles were inserted she placed an infrared light on my feet, turned out the overhead lights and instructed me to meditate and envision the energy going from my head to my toes and my hands. The meditation part is probably 20 minutes and there is some light mandarin music playing the in the background.

I would like to say this about meditation- I would have never attempted it on my on, the acupuncture forced me into it. I pride myself on multitasking and being efficient. Sitting in one place doing nothing just wasn’t my cup of tea. However after doing it several times now, I feel like we should all be doing it. And doing more of it. I think our bodies need it. I think our minds need it. I think our souls need it. There is so much stimulation around us, TVs, phones, etc., we need to quiet the noise and ground ourselves.

Xiao was very kind and professional and took a lot of time with me on my first appointment explaining everything. She gave me bags of Chinese herbs and suggested I soak my feet in warm water with the herbs every night.

So as of today, I have had three appointments and I can report tremendous success. Not only can I feel my toes, feet and legs, I have discontinued my nightly pain pill.

In full transparency, when I was researching neuropathy, I discovered my alcohol use was probably not helping the situation. I love wine, I love talking about wine, shopping for wine, blogging about wine, I love all the things surrounding wine. But I decided on this journey I was going to have put wine on the back shelf. Do I miss it? Hell, yes. Can I live without? Yes. Have I drank my last bottle? Probably not, but for now I have. My body is healing and I feel good. I don’t want to compromise that. I made that decision prior to my first visit but Xiao supported the decision and said I needed all my energy to go to healing the neuropathy, not healing from the alcohol. And that just made good sense.

I have no idea what the future holds for me. None of us do. I do know I am going to keep cooking and gardening, spending time with those I love most and living my best life- and making time for some much needed meditation. I am still going to acupuncture and as soon as I publish this blog I am going to make another appointment for a lymphatic massage. My life does look a little different than I had envisioned, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

And I am still educating myself on eastern practices as I find what I have experienced recently nothing short of fascinating. I am keeping my mind open and look forward to the road ahead.

Christy Young Goza

Living Life After the Big C

In May 2019, I found a lump in my right breast. I had missed two years of mammograms. I called my friend at my gynecologist office and she rushed me right in. That was the beginning of a 7 month battle I will never forget. I was diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative breast cancer with 3 nodes involved. I was 49 years old. The growth rate was 87% and since it was so high, the cancer needed to be removed immediately before treatment. I opted for a double mastectomy with no reconstruction. Triple negative breast cancer is treated with old school chemo drugs unaffectionately known as The Red Devil. Eight chemo treatments and 27 radiation treatments later I was considered NED-no evidence of disease.

I decided to share my journey on social media in hopes that others that had put off mammograms would understand just how important they are. My social media posts became therapy for me and it also created cheerleaders and prayer warriors, which is something we all need in the fight against cancer.

I also decided to bare my bald head. Many thought this was a symbol of a fierce fighter, however it was really because the chemo put me into menopause and it was 100 degrees outside and I couldn’t stand anything on my head. I wasn’t worried about the hair. I was worried about living. I wasn’t ready to go and I wasn’t going to give up.

Triple negative breast cancer has a high reoccurrence rate and the odds are much better than they use to be but they still aren’t the best. I have permanent residual effects from the chemo which include neuropathy, lymphedema and the inability to remember anything of any importance. And of course, every time a new ailment pops up, my mind immediately goes to a dark place.

I consider myself to be lucky and I know that may sound strange. I have been given a gift, the gift of living another day. When I was first diagnosed I kept a list of things I was thankful for. I found I had taken so many things for granted in my day to day life. Going thru this journey has been a blessing for me, it has reminded me of what is important- my family, my friends and it has also reminded me to stop trying to rush through life and just get through the day. I am much wiser with time spent and I am much wiser as to what I use my energy on.

My family support has been my rock. My husband who is a true, loving partner in every sense of the word, my daughter who stood bravely at my side, my boys who are always there for me and my mom, who went to every treatment with me.

There are certain big milestones in this journey, the first one is just getting through the treatments, the second one is coming up on Saturday, May 21, 2022- it is my 3 year cancerversary, and it is also the date of the Bradley County Relay for Life. At the three year mark there is a significant reduction in the risk the cancer will return. This is something I have been looking forward to for a long time.

I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe as we get older we discover things are never random. God puts people in the right places and at just the right time. At every turn, I found God had put people in my life to help me with this journey.

Last year, I developed a website: www.christygoza.com. With healthcare privacy laws, it is difficult for medical professionals to pass your name along to someone and with this type of cancer it is difficult to find survivors for information. This website has no affiliated or sponsored links. It is just an account of my journey, for other survivors to read and share. I have had an excellent response to the site and will continue to update it as long as there are people out there looking for information.

I have made so many friends on my journey and my journey isn’t over. I’m a member of the club now, a club I never thought I would never be a part of, at least this soon in life. I’m an advocate of mammograms/screening. I’m an advocate of living.

Finding Your Tribes

What is a tribe? It is a group of people that can include family, friends or people with similar likes and/or experiences. They are willing to extend grace, love and forgiveness, even when they may not agree. A tribe may be life long or it may expire. Whatever the case, they are invaluable and comforting.

At 51 years of age, I have some very special tribes. Of course I have my family, a friend group that started out as lovers of wine and downtown Cleveland and a group of ride or die friends that try to at least meet up on Friday nights for dinner.

These three tribes have kept me going for years. But something very interesting happened when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2019- my tribes grew. And it was a wonderful thing.

The Triple Negative FaceBook Support Group: This group of fabulous ladies have lifted me when I was down and kept me company in the wee hours of the morning when sleep would not come. I still enjoy going into the group to answer questions for newcomers. Breast cancer is a hard road riddled with anxiety that can be eased with information. I will never forget those that helped me and itâ€™s just the right thing to do to pay it forward. If you are having issues, whether it be physical, mental or social, I guarantee there is a Facebook support group. Find your people.

Tennessee Oncology Nurses, Cleveland, TN Office: While you may think they aren’t your tribe, I want to assure you that for 18 very longs weeks they were. Every other week I sat in the treatment room for hours observing them with cancer patients, many terminal. While they were double gloved, double masked and double clothed to protect themselves from what was being put into my veins, they shared helpful hints, careful instructions and love and kindness. They helped me ice my hands, feet and mouth during treatments and answered all the random questions I had and also tended to my precious mom that came with me. They handed out lap quilts, quilted by ladies in the community for cancer survivors, to keep us warm. The treatment room could be heavy, there is a lot going on in there. But there is also hope and it resides in the heart of each one of those special nurses. They helped me get through 18 hard weeks with love, kindness and sincerity- and that my friends, is a tribe. The day I rang the bell was the day I had to give them up to someone else that took my seat.

YMCA LiveStrong Group: I have done some crazy things in my time, but joining a fitness group while going through chemo may be at the top of the list. However, it was one of my favorite things during my journey. The YMCA LiveStrong program is for cancer survivors. The program focuses on building your strength back and is a great way to socialize with other survivors. I was the youngest in my group of approximately 15-18 survivors and the only one going through treatment at the time. This group met twice a week and we would do activities, pray together and workout. The group consisted of a wide array of people: young, old, in shape, out of shape, healthy, not so healthy. But we had one goal- to improve. I looked forward to these sessions so much. Everyone was so encouraging. And our fearless leader, Dina, was our biggest cheerleader. Everyone worked at their own pace and we helped each other. I met a very special lady in the group, Pat. After several conversations I discovered she had actually quilted the lap quilt given to me at Tennessee Oncology. A survivor herself, she loved to quilt and had found a way to give back.

While not tribes, there are a couple of organizations I am a part of that deserve an honorable mention.

The MaryEllen Locher Foundation: This is a remarkable organization that awards scholarships to children of breast cancer survivors. I have known about and attended fundraising events for the foundation for over 14 years. In 2019, I attended an annual fundraising event and was surprised with my daughter being awarded one of those scholarships. I cannot put into words how thankful and grateful my family and I were and still are for that scholarship. Cancer can take a toll physically, mentally and financially. This eased a big worry and allowed me to concentrate on recovery. My daughter, Logan, will be graduating in December 2021 from Middle Tennessee State University. We were surprised with an email recently from the director that they were awarding Logan additional scholarship money for that semester. The MaryEllen Locher Foundation touched our lives when we needed it most and for that, I am forever grateful. And for the wonderful group of friends that nominated Logan. I will always support the MaryEllen Locher Foundation’s fundraising efforts and their mission.

Bradley County Relay for Life: I can’t recall the year I got involved in Bradley County Relay For Life. It was a long, long time ago, at least 15 years. Money raised by Relay For Life funds research for the American Cancer Society. There is a committed, local group of people that literally work year round raising funds in our area. They are passionate about finding a cure for cancer. Great strides in cancer research have been made in the last few years and that needs to continue.

No matter where you are in life, you are never to old or too far gone to benefit from a tribe. And if you can’t find one, create one. Your life will be better for it.

Volley For A Cure, MaryEllen Locher Scholarship Award

Logan Griffith rising to accept the MELF Scholarship

Friends In Low Places

I cherish my friends. I think it is because I never had many in school. I mean, really good friends. I had a couple. I was always careful who I confided in and kept people at a distance in many ways. When I was younger I always felt intimidated or in competition with other girls. It has only been later in life that I learned the true blessings of friendship and how to be a good friend to others. I am so thankful to have a strong network of friends through my cancer journey.

While going through chemo for triple negative breast cancer in 2019, I had a lot of time to think about my friendships. A life changing event can really show you exactly who your friends are and who will stand by you. Here are some categories I developed just for fun one day when I was recouping (I had a lot of time on my hands).

Ride or Die Friends: They will be with you every single step of the way. If you sound disheartened on the phone, they will bust up into your house and snap you out of it in seconds. When you are too sick to get out of bed, they will stand in your kitchen and keep your mom and husband company with tears in their eyes. They text you day and night and don’t even care if you respond. They are your people, your family.

Really Good Friends: They call, they drop by from time to time. They let you know you are loved and being prayed for. They have your best interest at heart at all times. You know they will be there for you and are just a call away.

Friends: Many fall in this category. They will text you a couple of times, put you on their church prayer list and tell you they love you. And they do.

Almost Friends: They are social media friends. They respond to your posts and may even whisper a prayer for you. You don’t really know them well, but the name is familiar and you know of them.

Lost Friends: You thought they were really good friends, but they weren’t there when it mattered. It was too much for them.

Friendships can be hard and they require work. Cancer can be too much for some people. The reality of this can be extremely hurtful, especially when you are already down and out from the treatments. There will always be people you thought would be there for you that are not. It’s the reality of things. And that’s okay. That’s on them, not you. It took me a long time to come to peace with this. Actually I’m not certain I am at total peace with it, but I have vowed to not let it consume me. The bright side-it has made me a better friend.

My Truth

There is something that happens when bad news surfaces. There is a race to tell it first. And when it comes to social media, it can actually create a fiasco. I have to admit, I have always been a social creature. You can find me on all the social media platforms and yes, at times I tell too much of myself, but I usually overshare when humor is involved and in my life that is most of the time.

When I received the news of my breast cancer, I was overwhelmed. At first, I did not post. I just crawled in a hole. Then I started getting calls and texts. And so many people had heard conflicting things about my diagnosis and treatment plan that I decided to post it and put it out there. I never intended to have a social media campaign or force for early detection of breast cancer. It was something that just came to be and took on a life of its own.

One thing you need to know about me- I am honest to a fault. I have always found it easier to speak the truth and many times I try to do that with a sense of humor. So, I laid it all out- the good, the bad and the ugly. I have triple negative breast cancer. I need prayers. I will have a bilateral mastectomy first due to the rapid growth rate of the cancer, followed by chemo and radiation. And then I told my truth- I had skipped two years of mammograms. And I pleaded for everyone to get checked.

And there it was, in black and white, my truth. I had done this to myself. While I was out gallivanting around, enjoying life and not making time to take care of myself, I let this happen. I had spent so much time trying to take care of everyone around me and everything around me, I forgot about myself.

I thought for quite some time that day about hashtags and I picked two that I still use to this day-#getyourmammogram and #keepingthefaith. I would later add another that my creative friend Kathy came up with – #gozastrong.

After the first post was complete, I felt a large sense of relief. Everyone knew. Everyone knew the truth. It was my story and I wanted to tell it. I wasn’t sure where it would lead but I knew that someone needed to hear it. I felt that in my gut. Someone needed those words.

I knew something good could come out of my journey. I wasn’t sure what, but I desperately needed something good to transpire. I truly believe good things come from truth. So here I am.

Sucking It Up

I cried for three solid days. And on the third day, I sucked it up.

There are so many emotions involved.

Guilt. I can’t just die and leave Logan, it’s always just been her and me. And how unfair is this to Jay. Jay had gone through breast cancer with his previous wife before their divorce. How on earth could a man go through this twice? This was not what he signed up for. And the boys, they didn’t sign up for this either. And mom was still grieving the loss of dad- we all were.

Anger. Angry with myself. Angry that there are terrible people in this world that never get sick and here I am, sick. Angry that I had volunteered hundreds of hours for the Bradley County Relay for Life over the years and where did that get me? Angry that I had no control over the days or months to follow.

Fear. Yes, I may actually die. I might not make it.

Blame. Well Christy, you did it again. You’ve gotten yourself into another fine mess. If you had only taken better care of yourself, gotten checked on an annual basis. I never blamed God. How could I blame him, we barely spoke. You see, I don’t think God does bad things to people. I think things happen and God can use them for good if you let him.

Regret. Why haven’t I spent more time doing things that make me happy? Why am I always worried about everyone else and how they feel? That trip we always talked about, why didn’t I take it?

Determination. I made a decision. I wasn’t going anywhere. I had future grandbabies to raise. I had a wonderful family. I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t my time yet to go. I was staying.

Love. My friends and family surrounded me with love, prayers and affection. I could actually feel the love around me. Sometimes so much so, that I would just cry. I would receive random texts throughout the day of people telling me how much they loved me and they were praying. It was a constant. A constant I needed.

Calmness. Then it happened, just a soothing peace. It’s hard to explain. Just peace, peace with it all.

The day before chemo began. Michon Touchstone did the honors.

A few days after diagnosis and a few days before surgery and treatments began. May 2019

A Piece of Paper

I skipped two mammograms. If you learn nothing else from me- don’t skip your mammogram. Yes, I went to the gynecologist every year- because an annual check-up was mandatory for my birth control refill. And at the end of the appointment, they gave me a slip of paper with a number to call to schedule my mammogram. But life happened. I had a lot going on. I met a new guy (after a tumultuous multi-year divorce from the pits of hell)…we were building a house…my dad was sick (blog for another day)… I was busy at work (I love my job)…and I had a teenager. A year later at the end of my annual check-up they handed me another piece of paper. But life happened. I had a lot going on. I got married…my dad was sicker…my daughter was graduating high school…I was trying to schedule a vacation.

Then it happened- I felt the lump. Later I would find I still had the crumpled piece of paper tightly embedded in the bottom corner of my purse. I waited a few days and told my husband, Jay. In all honesty, I thought the lump would go away. Sometimes that can happen- lumps caused by hormonal changes. I was 49. Jay did not take the news lightly. Every day for four days he asked if I had called the doctor. On the fifth day I texted by friend Sherri, she was the office manager at my gynecologist’s office. “Hey, I lost that little piece of paper to schedule my mammogram and I found a lump. Can you send me another one or tell me where to call?” Text from Sherri, “I’m calling you”. Sherri was serious and to the point “You can’t just go get a mammogram when you find a lump, you need to come in to the office and be checked. You’ll need a special mammogram. Can you be here in an hour?” Needless to say, after the office visit my doctor sent me for a diagnostic mammogram at the local hospital the next day. I was told they would have the results in 3-4 days. Thirty minutes after leaving the hospital, Sherri called. I was standing in the middle of a department store with Jay, holding onto a rack. She said, I don’t want you to be alarmed… there is something there…you need a biopsy….can you meet with the surgeon tomorrow…I am going to pray for you right now. I hung up the phone and looked at Jay and said, “I told you it was bad”.

From the moment I found the lump, I knew. I knew it was cancer. Don’t ask me how, I just knew. I have always had the most intense gut feelings, intuition, whatever you want to call it. My gut is always right.

Jay is always the easy going optimist. You are fine, we are going to get this biopsy done. It’s all going to be just fine. He is a great compliment to by anxiety fueled personality.

I tried to pray. I find it very difficult to pray for myself. I judge my prayers. Am I being selfish? Are there bigger things in this world I need to pray about? It was like I was asking for favor and I felt undeserving. And let’s face it, it had been awhile since I had talked to God.

Jay accompanied me to the surgeon’s office. My surgeon was very compassionate and very upfront and honest. He never used the word cancer. I didn’t realize that until later. He said It’s not benign.. He said those words three times during that visit and looked me right in the eye each time to make sure I was understanding. He said he was going to proceed with the biopsy and the pathology would be back in 3-4 days and that would determine my course of treatment. Everything in that office that day seems like a blur now. I remember when he pulled up my ultrasound and showed the mass to me it looked almost like a daisy, almost pretty in a way and that seemed odd to me. He said a benign mass would be round with defined edges and mine definitely was not. The surgeon told us to use the 3-4 days to think about if I wanted a mastectomy or lumpectomy. I immediately said I wanted both of my breasts removed. I think everyone was startled that I blurted that out, especially without consulting Jay, but Jay immediately followed up with “Can you remove them right now?”. Jay also mentioned our upcoming beach trip in two days, which I had completely forgotten about. The surgeon said “You need to take the vacation. You are about to enter the fight of your life and you need to be strong and refreshed, go.”. I asked if he would call me with the pathology report in case he was wrong and it was negative. He said, I don’t give bad news on the phone. I will have the results on Wednesday and I will call you if it is negative. But I know it’s not benign…you aren’t going to get a call from me. He was right.

I remember walking out of that office just numb. I even left Jay at the check out desk and just walked to the car and called my mom. I couldn’t even talk. I just cried. I cried for three solid days. And on the third day, I sucked it up.