I cried for three solid days. And on the third day, I sucked it up.
There are so many emotions involved.
Guilt. I can’t just die and leave Logan, it’s always just been her and me. And how unfair is this to Jay. Jay had gone through breast cancer with his previous wife before their divorce. How on earth could a man go through this twice? This was not what he signed up for. And the boys, they didn’t sign up for this either. And mom was still grieving the loss of dad- we all were.
Anger. Angry with myself. Angry that there are terrible people in this world that never get sick and here I am, sick. Angry that I had volunteered hundreds of hours for the Bradley County Relay for Life over the years and where did that get me? Angry that I had no control over the days or months to follow.
Fear. Yes, I may actually die. I might not make it.
Blame. Well Christy, you did it again. You’ve gotten yourself into another fine mess. If you had only taken better care of yourself, gotten checked on an annual basis. I never blamed God. How could I blame him, we barely spoke. You see, I don’t think God does bad things to people. I think things happen and God can use them for good if you let him.
Regret. Why haven’t I spent more time doing things that make me happy? Why am I always worried about everyone else and how they feel? That trip we always talked about, why didn’t I take it?
Determination. I made a decision. I wasn’t going anywhere. I had future grandbabies to raise. I had a wonderful family. I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t my time yet to go. I was staying.
Love. My friends and family surrounded me with love, prayers and affection. I could actually feel the love around me. Sometimes so much so, that I would just cry. I would receive random texts throughout the day of people telling me how much they loved me and they were praying. It was a constant. A constant I needed.
Calmness. Then it happened, just a soothing peace. It’s hard to explain. Just peace, peace with it all.
