Finding Your Tribes

What is a tribe? It is a group of people that can include family, friends or people with similar likes and/or experiences. They are willing to extend grace, love and forgiveness, even when they may not agree. A tribe may be life long or it may expire. Whatever the case, they are invaluable and comforting.

At 51 years of age, I have some very special tribes. Of course I have my family, a friend group that started out as lovers of wine and downtown Cleveland and a group of ride or die friends that try to at least meet up on Friday nights for dinner.

These three tribes have kept me going for years. But something very interesting happened when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2019- my tribes grew. And it was a wonderful thing.

The Triple Negative FaceBook Support Group: This group of fabulous ladies have lifted me when I was down and kept me company in the wee hours of the morning when sleep would not come. I still enjoy going into the group to answer questions for newcomers. Breast cancer is a hard road riddled with anxiety that can be eased with information. I will never forget those that helped me and itâ€™s just the right thing to do to pay it forward. If you are having issues, whether it be physical, mental or social, I guarantee there is a Facebook support group. Find your people.

Tennessee Oncology Nurses, Cleveland, TN Office: While you may think they aren’t your tribe, I want to assure you that for 18 very longs weeks they were. Every other week I sat in the treatment room for hours observing them with cancer patients, many terminal. While they were double gloved, double masked and double clothed to protect themselves from what was being put into my veins, they shared helpful hints, careful instructions and love and kindness. They helped me ice my hands, feet and mouth during treatments and answered all the random questions I had and also tended to my precious mom that came with me. They handed out lap quilts, quilted by ladies in the community for cancer survivors, to keep us warm. The treatment room could be heavy, there is a lot going on in there. But there is also hope and it resides in the heart of each one of those special nurses. They helped me get through 18 hard weeks with love, kindness and sincerity- and that my friends, is a tribe. The day I rang the bell was the day I had to give them up to someone else that took my seat.

YMCA LiveStrong Group: I have done some crazy things in my time, but joining a fitness group while going through chemo may be at the top of the list. However, it was one of my favorite things during my journey. The YMCA LiveStrong program is for cancer survivors. The program focuses on building your strength back and is a great way to socialize with other survivors. I was the youngest in my group of approximately 15-18 survivors and the only one going through treatment at the time. This group met twice a week and we would do activities, pray together and workout. The group consisted of a wide array of people: young, old, in shape, out of shape, healthy, not so healthy. But we had one goal- to improve. I looked forward to these sessions so much. Everyone was so encouraging. And our fearless leader, Dina, was our biggest cheerleader. Everyone worked at their own pace and we helped each other. I met a very special lady in the group, Pat. After several conversations I discovered she had actually quilted the lap quilt given to me at Tennessee Oncology. A survivor herself, she loved to quilt and had found a way to give back.

While not tribes, there are a couple of organizations I am a part of that deserve an honorable mention.

The MaryEllen Locher Foundation: This is a remarkable organization that awards scholarships to children of breast cancer survivors. I have known about and attended fundraising events for the foundation for over 14 years. In 2019, I attended an annual fundraising event and was surprised with my daughter being awarded one of those scholarships. I cannot put into words how thankful and grateful my family and I were and still are for that scholarship. Cancer can take a toll physically, mentally and financially. This eased a big worry and allowed me to concentrate on recovery. My daughter, Logan, will be graduating in December 2021 from Middle Tennessee State University. We were surprised with an email recently from the director that they were awarding Logan additional scholarship money for that semester. The MaryEllen Locher Foundation touched our lives when we needed it most and for that, I am forever grateful. And for the wonderful group of friends that nominated Logan. I will always support the MaryEllen Locher Foundation’s fundraising efforts and their mission.

Bradley County Relay for Life: I can’t recall the year I got involved in Bradley County Relay For Life. It was a long, long time ago, at least 15 years. Money raised by Relay For Life funds research for the American Cancer Society. There is a committed, local group of people that literally work year round raising funds in our area. They are passionate about finding a cure for cancer. Great strides in cancer research have been made in the last few years and that needs to continue.

No matter where you are in life, you are never to old or too far gone to benefit from a tribe. And if you can’t find one, create one. Your life will be better for it.

Volley For A Cure, MaryEllen Locher Scholarship Award

Logan Griffith rising to accept the MELF Scholarship

Friends In Low Places

I cherish my friends. I think it is because I never had many in school. I mean, really good friends. I had a couple. I was always careful who I confided in and kept people at a distance in many ways. When I was younger I always felt intimidated or in competition with other girls. It has only been later in life that I learned the true blessings of friendship and how to be a good friend to others. I am so thankful to have a strong network of friends through my cancer journey.

While going through chemo for triple negative breast cancer in 2019, I had a lot of time to think about my friendships. A life changing event can really show you exactly who your friends are and who will stand by you. Here are some categories I developed just for fun one day when I was recouping (I had a lot of time on my hands).

Ride or Die Friends: They will be with you every single step of the way. If you sound disheartened on the phone, they will bust up into your house and snap you out of it in seconds. When you are too sick to get out of bed, they will stand in your kitchen and keep your mom and husband company with tears in their eyes. They text you day and night and don’t even care if you respond. They are your people, your family.

Really Good Friends: They call, they drop by from time to time. They let you know you are loved and being prayed for. They have your best interest at heart at all times. You know they will be there for you and are just a call away.

Friends: Many fall in this category. They will text you a couple of times, put you on their church prayer list and tell you they love you. And they do.

Almost Friends: They are social media friends. They respond to your posts and may even whisper a prayer for you. You don’t really know them well, but the name is familiar and you know of them.

Lost Friends: You thought they were really good friends, but they weren’t there when it mattered. It was too much for them.

Friendships can be hard and they require work. Cancer can be too much for some people. The reality of this can be extremely hurtful, especially when you are already down and out from the treatments. There will always be people you thought would be there for you that are not. It’s the reality of things. And that’s okay. That’s on them, not you. It took me a long time to come to peace with this. Actually I’m not certain I am at total peace with it, but I have vowed to not let it consume me. The bright side-it has made me a better friend.

Sundays, Daddy and the Holy Ghost

My God is a god of love, understanding, inclusion, and compassion. My God has always been there for me, he has never forsaken me. I know him well. I want to make sure you get that before you read the next part-spirituality can be complicated. I’m not much for socialized religion. I am certain my past experiences have formed that opinion.

I was raised Southern Baptist in what I would consider a strict church. My mom once received a handwritten letter from a church elder because she allowed me to wear culottes (70’s lingo for a long skort) to summer bible school- I was 7. Many in the church I grew up in didn’t believe in dancing or mixed swimming. I’m just going to leave those words here and let you think about that for a minute.

There was one big rule at my home growing up. You live at home, you go to church on Sundays with the family. No excuses, no exceptions. And you might have to go on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights too, just depending on how religious the family really wanted to be that week.

I felt a lot of judgement when I went through my lengthy divorce from hell. Some of that could have been my own judgement of myself. And some of it was also from some very small minded people that fill the pews on Sundays. The bottom line is I think religion/spirituality is a very personal thing.

During my cancer journey I had an experience I would like to share. It was the day of my bilateral mastectomy. I had posted an update to my social media about my surgery and asked for prayers. When I arrived at the hospital, Dr. Jay McCluskey- a pastor and my friend, was there waiting for me, to pray with me. All I could do was cry.

After I was checked in and taken to the pre surgical room, Pastor Gary Sears, a family friend, also came by to pray with me. My surgery was delayed seven hours due to complications with the person before me. As I sat with my husband, I began to review my post from social media that morning and continued to read about all the people praying for me. As I sat in that curtained cubicle waiting to be taken back to surgery, I felt God. I mean, I really felt him. It was a peace I had never experienced. And I also felt my dad right beside me. And I knew I was going to be okay.

After surgery, I was taken to a hospital room in the Women’s Center. Before this day, I thought that was for women having babies. It was dark, late at night when I got to my room. The next morning when I woke up, Jay opened the blinds and there it was- the American Flag, my dad. He fought for his country in Vietnam and he was a proud American. He was with me, and he still is.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my dad. I miss him every day. It doesn’t get any easier, I just get more accustomed to my grief. There are so many things that I am thankful for along this journey and my glimpses of dad are at the very top of the list.

My Truth

There is something that happens when bad news surfaces. There is a race to tell it first. And when it comes to social media, it can actually create a fiasco. I have to admit, I have always been a social creature. You can find me on all the social media platforms and yes, at times I tell too much of myself, but I usually overshare when humor is involved and in my life that is most of the time.

When I received the news of my breast cancer, I was overwhelmed. At first, I did not post. I just crawled in a hole. Then I started getting calls and texts. And so many people had heard conflicting things about my diagnosis and treatment plan that I decided to post it and put it out there. I never intended to have a social media campaign or force for early detection of breast cancer. It was something that just came to be and took on a life of its own.

One thing you need to know about me- I am honest to a fault. I have always found it easier to speak the truth and many times I try to do that with a sense of humor. So, I laid it all out- the good, the bad and the ugly. I have triple negative breast cancer. I need prayers. I will have a bilateral mastectomy first due to the rapid growth rate of the cancer, followed by chemo and radiation. And then I told my truth- I had skipped two years of mammograms. And I pleaded for everyone to get checked.

And there it was, in black and white, my truth. I had done this to myself. While I was out gallivanting around, enjoying life and not making time to take care of myself, I let this happen. I had spent so much time trying to take care of everyone around me and everything around me, I forgot about myself.

I thought for quite some time that day about hashtags and I picked two that I still use to this day-#getyourmammogram and #keepingthefaith. I would later add another that my creative friend Kathy came up with – #gozastrong.

After the first post was complete, I felt a large sense of relief. Everyone knew. Everyone knew the truth. It was my story and I wanted to tell it. I wasn’t sure where it would lead but I knew that someone needed to hear it. I felt that in my gut. Someone needed those words.

I knew something good could come out of my journey. I wasn’t sure what, but I desperately needed something good to transpire. I truly believe good things come from truth. So here I am.

Sucking It Up

I cried for three solid days. And on the third day, I sucked it up.

There are so many emotions involved.

Guilt. I can’t just die and leave Logan, it’s always just been her and me. And how unfair is this to Jay. Jay had gone through breast cancer with his previous wife before their divorce. How on earth could a man go through this twice? This was not what he signed up for. And the boys, they didn’t sign up for this either. And mom was still grieving the loss of dad- we all were.

Anger. Angry with myself. Angry that there are terrible people in this world that never get sick and here I am, sick. Angry that I had volunteered hundreds of hours for the Bradley County Relay for Life over the years and where did that get me? Angry that I had no control over the days or months to follow.

Fear. Yes, I may actually die. I might not make it.

Blame. Well Christy, you did it again. You’ve gotten yourself into another fine mess. If you had only taken better care of yourself, gotten checked on an annual basis. I never blamed God. How could I blame him, we barely spoke. You see, I don’t think God does bad things to people. I think things happen and God can use them for good if you let him.

Regret. Why haven’t I spent more time doing things that make me happy? Why am I always worried about everyone else and how they feel? That trip we always talked about, why didn’t I take it?

Determination. I made a decision. I wasn’t going anywhere. I had future grandbabies to raise. I had a wonderful family. I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t my time yet to go. I was staying.

Love. My friends and family surrounded me with love, prayers and affection. I could actually feel the love around me. Sometimes so much so, that I would just cry. I would receive random texts throughout the day of people telling me how much they loved me and they were praying. It was a constant. A constant I needed.

Calmness. Then it happened, just a soothing peace. It’s hard to explain. Just peace, peace with it all.