There is something that happens when bad news surfaces. There is a race to tell it first. And when it comes to social media, it can actually create a fiasco. I have to admit, I have always been a social creature. You can find me on all the social media platforms and yes, at times I tell too much of myself, but I usually overshare when humor is involved and in my life that is most of the time.
When I received the news of my breast cancer, I was overwhelmed. At first, I did not post. I just crawled in a hole. Then I started getting calls and texts. And so many people had heard conflicting things about my diagnosis and treatment plan that I decided to post it and put it out there. I never intended to have a social media campaign or force for early detection of breast cancer. It was something that just came to be and took on a life of its own.
One thing you need to know about me- I am honest to a fault. I have always found it easier to speak the truth and many times I try to do that with a sense of humor. So, I laid it all out- the good, the bad and the ugly. I have triple negative breast cancer. I need prayers. I will have a bilateral mastectomy first due to the rapid growth rate of the cancer, followed by chemo and radiation. And then I told my truth- I had skipped two years of mammograms. And I pleaded for everyone to get checked.
And there it was, in black and white, my truth. I had done this to myself. While I was out gallivanting around, enjoying life and not making time to take care of myself, I let this happen. I had spent so much time trying to take care of everyone around me and everything around me, I forgot about myself.
I thought for quite some time that day about hashtags and I picked two that I still use to this day-#getyourmammogram and #keepingthefaith. I would later add another that my creative friend Kathy came up with – #gozastrong.
After the first post was complete, I felt a large sense of relief. Everyone knew. Everyone knew the truth. It was my story and I wanted to tell it. I wasn’t sure where it would lead but I knew that someone needed to hear it. I felt that in my gut. Someone needed those words.
I knew something good could come out of my journey. I wasn’t sure what, but I desperately needed something good to transpire. I truly believe good things come from truth. So here I am.
I cried for three solid days. And on the third day, I sucked it up.
There are so many emotions involved.
Guilt. I can’t just die and leave Logan, it’s always just been her and me. And how unfair is this to Jay. Jay had gone through breast cancer with his previous wife before their divorce. How on earth could a man go through this twice? This was not what he signed up for. And the boys, they didn’t sign up for this either. And mom was still grieving the loss of dad- we all were.
Anger. Angry with myself. Angry that there are terrible people in this world that never get sick and here I am, sick. Angry that I had volunteered hundreds of hours for the Bradley County Relay for Life over the years and where did that get me? Angry that I had no control over the days or months to follow.
Fear. Yes, I may actually die. I might not make it.
Blame. Well Christy, you did it again. You’ve gotten yourself into another fine mess. If you had only taken better care of yourself, gotten checked on an annual basis. I never blamed God. How could I blame him, we barely spoke. You see, I don’t think God does bad things to people. I think things happen and God can use them for good if you let him.
Regret. Why haven’t I spent more time doing things that make me happy? Why am I always worried about everyone else and how they feel? That trip we always talked about, why didn’t I take it?
Determination. I made a decision. I wasn’t going anywhere. I had future grandbabies to raise. I had a wonderful family. I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t my time yet to go. I was staying.
Love. My friends and family surrounded me with love, prayers and affection. I could actually feel the love around me. Sometimes so much so, that I would just cry. I would receive random texts throughout the day of people telling me how much they loved me and they were praying. It was a constant. A constant I needed.
Calmness. Then it happened, just a soothing peace. It’s hard to explain. Just peace, peace with it all.
The day before chemo began. Michon Touchstone did the honors. A few days after diagnosis and a few days before surgery and treatments began. May 2019
I skipped two mammograms. If you learn nothing else from me- don’t skip your mammogram. Yes, I went to the gynecologist every year- because an annual check-up was mandatory for my birth control refill. And at the end of the appointment, they gave me a slip of paper with a number to call to schedule my mammogram. But life happened. I had a lot going on. I met a new guy (after a tumultuous multi-year divorce from the pits of hell)…we were building a house…my dad was sick (blog for another day)… I was busy at work (I love my job)…and I had a teenager. A year later at the end of my annual check-up they handed me another piece of paper. But life happened. I had a lot going on. I got married…my dad was sicker…my daughter was graduating high school…I was trying to schedule a vacation.
Then it happened- I felt the lump. Later I would find I still had the crumpled piece of paper tightly embedded in the bottom corner of my purse. I waited a few days and told my husband, Jay. In all honesty, I thought the lump would go away. Sometimes that can happen- lumps caused by hormonal changes. I was 49. Jay did not take the news lightly. Every day for four days he asked if I had called the doctor. On the fifth day I texted by friend Sherri, she was the office manager at my gynecologist’s office. “Hey, I lost that little piece of paper to schedule my mammogram and I found a lump. Can you send me another one or tell me where to call?” Text from Sherri, “I’m calling you”. Sherri was serious and to the point “You can’t just go get a mammogram when you find a lump, you need to come in to the office and be checked. You’ll need a special mammogram. Can you be here in an hour?” Needless to say, after the office visit my doctor sent me for a diagnostic mammogram at the local hospital the next day. I was told they would have the results in 3-4 days. Thirty minutes after leaving the hospital, Sherri called. I was standing in the middle of a department store with Jay, holding onto a rack. She said, I don’t want you to be alarmed… there is something there…you need a biopsy….can you meet with the surgeon tomorrow…I am going to pray for you right now. I hung up the phone and looked at Jay and said, “I told you it was bad”.
From the moment I found the lump, I knew. I knew it was cancer. Don’t ask me how, I just knew. I have always had the most intense gut feelings, intuition, whatever you want to call it. My gut is always right.
Jay is always the easy going optimist. You are fine, we are going to get this biopsy done. It’s all going to be just fine. He is a great compliment to by anxiety fueled personality.
I tried to pray. I find it very difficult to pray for myself. I judge my prayers. Am I being selfish? Are there bigger things in this world I need to pray about? It was like I was asking for favor and I felt undeserving. And let’s face it, it had been awhile since I had talked to God.
Jay accompanied me to the surgeon’s office. My surgeon was very compassionate and very upfront and honest. He never used the word cancer. I didn’t realize that until later. He said It’s not benign.. He said those words three times during that visit and looked me right in the eye each time to make sure I was understanding. He said he was going to proceed with the biopsy and the pathology would be back in 3-4 days and that would determine my course of treatment. Everything in that office that day seems like a blur now. I remember when he pulled up my ultrasound and showed the mass to me it looked almost like a daisy, almost pretty in a way and that seemed odd to me. He said a benign mass would be round with defined edges and mine definitely was not. The surgeon told us to use the 3-4 days to think about if I wanted a mastectomy or lumpectomy. I immediately said I wanted both of my breasts removed. I think everyone was startled that I blurted that out, especially without consulting Jay, but Jay immediately followed up with “Can you remove them right now?”. Jay also mentioned our upcoming beach trip in two days, which I had completely forgotten about. The surgeon said “You need to take the vacation. You are about to enter the fight of your life and you need to be strong and refreshed, go.”. I asked if he would call me with the pathology report in case he was wrong and it was negative. He said, I don’t give bad news on the phone. I will have the results on Wednesday and I will call you if it is negative. But I know it’s not benign…you aren’t going to get a call from me. He was right.
I remember walking out of that office just numb. I even left Jay at the check out desk and just walked to the car and called my mom. I couldn’t even talk. I just cried. I cried for three solid days. And on the third day, I sucked it up.
